Compare and Contrast: "Don't Stand So Close to Me" and "Hot for Teacher"

It’s November, 1984. You’re flipping through the radio stations in your car while you drive to nowhere in particular, catching a whole lot of snippets of songs you’ve been hearing over and over again for the past week, but mostly you find static. 

As you cross into a decently sized city, the signal clears. Your FM dial lands on some nameless male disc jockey cavorting about his favorite hard rock bands on the market–from the excruciatingly popular to the third rate to the obscurer then obscure. But luckily, you’ve managed to catch him on his next round of the excruciatingly popular, and though you recognize the band’s style, you don’t recognize the song. 

You tap your fingers along to the infectious groove of the song on your steering wheel as you keep driving. As the half heavy, half glam song transitions from it’s introductory speedy drum part, to an equally racy and raucous guitar solo, to high school classroom chatter, a line delivered in a drawl you’re all too familiar with snags in your brain: “What do you think the teacher’s gonna look like this year?” 

You’ve been reprimanded by your parents before on how you should be more focused on what you’re doing rather then what’s on the radio when you drive, but it’s too late, you’re hooked. You turn the volume up as loud as it can go before rupturing your eardrums, part of your attention being dedicated to retain as much of what the straight-forward lyrics are telling you before you drive too far out and the signal fades again while simultaneously keeping yourself from crossing into the next lane. 

Photo by Koh Hasebe/Shinko Music

As the song crosses into the first chorus, the thought suddenly strikes you that you’ve heard this before. No, not this song in particular–nothing on earth can sound like Van Halen (and you’d know if you had heard it before, anyway)–but you’ve heard a story line like this somewhere. It’s been quite a while since you heard the song that is evading being named by your mind, but you know this isn’t the first time you’ve heard something like this be played on the radio by a highly successful band. 

Later, when you get back home from all the nothing you’ve been doing all day, you decide to throw on a cassette you haven’t heard in a while to help waste the evening away. You dig wrist-deep in the unorganized bin that’s usually shoved under your bed to keep your family from looking through everything you’ve bought that they wouldn’t approve of, and when your hand comes back up you’re clutching a copy of Zenyatta Mondatta. 

You haven’t thought about The Police since Synchronicity was released last year–you’re pretty sure they broke up, but you wouldn’t want to be quoted on that. You never had very strong opinions on them, but their albums were all at least half decent and operated as good do-nothing music. Music for when you didn’t feel particularly inclined to get involved with what was being played. 

So you stick Zenyatta Mondatta into your tape player and hit rewind until you hear the click to indicate it’s been wound through. Then you press play, hoping the tape didn’t get screwed up while it went through that wash, and you lay back on your bed and stare up at your ceiling. You mentally prepare yourself to be faced with the pretentiousness and unrelatability of Sting’s pompously “sophisticated” lyrics when you hear it: the song that you couldn’t for the life of you remember when “Hot for Teacher” was being played on the radio earlier that day. 

It is merely a funny coincidence that two of the ‘80s most popular bands both released hit songs concerning the same baseline topic before the decade was halfway over. It is also no surprise that these songs sound completely different from one another, nor that they came out four years apart. New Wave was long suffering and almost dead by 1984, while heavy metal was about to explode into the consciousness of almost every American and bring with it the downfall of rock and roll. 

As far as I’m aware, The Police and Van Halen are the only mainstream groups to ever delve into the topic of teacher/student relationships in song. Such a constrained and controversial topic leaves little space for wiggle room when being discussed, and yet somehow both managed to come to completely separate conclusions regarding the subject. But what makes these conclusions such polar opposites? 

The first thing to be looked at is the lyrics themselves. Let’s start things off with “Don’t Stand So Close To Me”. 

Wouldn't you trust these fine young men with your life?

“Don’t Stand So Close To Me” doesn’t hide for a second what its story is about. It views the events from the perspective of a predominantly unbiased omniscient narrator, one who simply gives you the play-by-play without stepping in to tell you how to feel about the situation–something that I hope it wouldn’t have to do, though their is express vitriol given to the line “this girl is half his age”. The only way you wouldn’t be able to catch the gist of what was being described to you would be if you simply were too young to be conscious of it. 

The verses of the song flip-flop between the teacher and the student’s perspective, giving the listener insight to how both of the subjects of the song feel about the situation. The

student is positively infatuated with the young teacher, a desire which is only reinforced by her peers. Meanwhile, the teacher is struggling to maintain his composure. He is completely aware that what he’s feeling is abhorrent, knows that he has a responsibility to uphold as the man in the position of power, and yet gives in anyways. 

The realism with which the situation is presented could be misconstrued as displaying sympathy for the teacher character. Often when pedophilia is represented in fiction, especially in relation to a school setting, the (often first-time) offender is depicted as having become a teacher intentionally to satisfy their own perverted desires, having known from the beginning the kind of behavior they were beginning to display and, instead of seeking out counselling for their problems, indulges. 

The attitude of the victim is also not one commonly depicted. It is common for teenagers to develop crushes on their teachers, especially in high school, but often in fiction they are depicted as having no initial interest in the abuser and instead are selected at random to be preyed upon. That is not to say that the character in “Don’t Stand So Close To Me” was the original perpetrator of the situation. Often the crushes of teenage girls don’t extend beyond fantasy, and it is entirely the fault of the abusers to allow that fantasy to become reality. 

The cassette release of Zenyatta Mondatta

So “Don’t Stand So Close To Me” exists in an uncomfortable middle ground. The fact that it’s songwriter, Sting, worked as an English teacher in the early seventies doesn’t help to make it any more palatable, though he reportedly denies all accusations that the tune is autobiographical. Apparently it was just in the band’s market. 

“Hot For Teacher” also isn’t subtle about its subject matter, though the lyrics are considerably more vague. The story is told exclusively from the perspective of the student as he laments for his forbidden love, and unlike in “Don’t Stand”, it is ultimately left up for interpretation whether or not the relationship extends into the real world or if it ultimately remains a teenage fantasy. 

David Lee Roth takes the immersion a step further by putting on quite the convincing persona, splicing in class-clown chatter between verses to paint himself as a lovable rogue character, the student’s student that all the teachers abhor. As with every Van Halen song, the lyrics on this one lack layers–about as tasteless as Faster Pussycat’s “Bathroom Wall”. Oh no no no, depth is all reserved for the music video. 

Prominently featuring the members of Van Halen as played by children, the video for “Hot For Teacher” exudes exactly the amount of class you would expect from a song of the low-caliber artistry of 1980s glam metal. 

Between Lee Roth showing off his dancing skills and black-and-white classroom scenes is the one thing that seared this flick into the memories of young men all across America–conventionally attractive, mid-twenties blonde women in bathing suits, made readily available to students. Caught in the middle of all of this is the anxious nerd Waldo, who after spending time at this school where rules don’t exist and strip shows are freely performed in the cafeteria, has been converted from his prudish ways and has since gone on to become a pimp by the time graduation rolls around, and it is implied that either the work of faculty members or his fellow students that has allowed him to end up this way. 

Of course, absolutely nobody was surprised to see that the video for a song titled “Hot For Teacher” by a metal group ended up following that sequence of events (except maybe Tipper Gore). And though it probably wouldn’t have been the case then, its pretty difficult to let the implications of the video go over your head now. 

Along with the period-typical sexism, objectification and sexualization of women that the video serves up, its child characters also get handed a share of sexualization as well. Instead of using teenagers to serve as mirror representations of Van Halen, the people chosen were considerably younger children–kids who look to be in fifth or sixth grade. And because of the nature of the song, the children featured in this video are used as conduits for the members of Van Halen, and the viewers watching, to project their own sense of sexuality onto; kids who would have little to no concept of what sexuality is and would in no way have those sorts of feelings for their own teachers. 

Due to the nature of the song, the potential of a relationship between the young students and the teacher is framed as something desirable and something to be congratulated if achieved. It is not treated as some heinous crime that only a deeply disturbed person would be able to commit–it is framed as something to be jealous of if it doesn’t happen to you, something that would signify a child’s transition from boyhood to manhood. 

This serves to further perpetuate the idea that women cannot be the perpetrators of abuse and assault, and to perpetuate the idea that boys and men cannot be abused or assaulted at the hands of women. It further sexualizes the children featured in the video by putting forward the idea of them in a relationship with one of the porno-picture perfect women as something alluring and vampy, the danger of which being half the fun. This also implicates (although to a lesser degree) that pretty people do not commit crimes, as it would only be blatantly viewed as a problem if the boy’s teacher were not conventionally attractive. If the woman were not pretty, the boy would no longer be lucky to have made it with her. 

Not the kind of idea I would expect from a man who thinks about the implications of "Hot for Teacher"

I’m sure the members of Van Halen were not putting this much thought into this music video, and I can say with utmost certainty that they were not trying to make some grand statement about society’s double standards and hypocrisy with their song–metal bands aren’t known for their masterful use of the English language. They were too focused on choreographing David Lee Roth’s dancing. Unfortunately, I don’t think The Police put all that much thought into their music video, either. 

Entering with the ominous emanations of the synthesizer for “Don’t Stand So Close to Me”’s film interpretation is the visual of a young teenage girl, probably fourteen or fifteen, whispering into somebody’s ear. 

Through fade-ins we are presented with two representations of Sting: one as the teacher, exasperatedly grading papers, and the other as the observer, clad in costume and mildly concerned expression, waiting to see just how far this is going to go. As the story progresses, the observer’s costuming is removed, signifying the shift from fantasy to reality. 

Throughout most of the video, the band members appear to be doing everything in their power to not take it seriously. They dance around the room in graduation gowns during the choruses, Stewart Copeland takes to throwing wadded up balls of paper at Sting’s head, and Andy Summers repeatedly makes faces at the camera, constantly on the verge of breaking out into laughter. 

The classroom scenes are revisited only a few times during the nearly four-minute runtime, and those scenes primarily only consist of the band. Only in the beginning does the girl playing the student feature, and she barely interacts with anybody during her screentime. There is no indication as to any feeling she has towards the teacher, something that could be missed entirely depending on how engrossed the viewer is in the lyrics when they have entertaining visuals to be competing against. There is also no indication that the teacher character holds any feeling towards the student outside of condescending disgruntlement for the fact she struggles to do well in the class. The most attention-grabbing things that happen the entire time are Summers’ facial expressions and Sting suddenly deciding that he doesn’t really need to wear a shirt towards the end. 

According to a 1981 interview the band did on Austrailian TV show Countdown, the reason for their music videos getting such lackadaisical treatment is because 1. The band consider themselves terrible mimers, and 2. They consider music videos throwaway performances and thus take a minimalist approach towards them, which at least partially explains the reason “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” was handled in such a manner. 

Of course, there’s only so much that can really be depicted in video format when it comes to a topic such as this, though it does seem to minimize the severity and seriousness of such a subject when the people who brought it up are prancing and fooling around in an empty schoolroom for most of the discussion.

 This unconcerned attitude is only further proven when the Christmas edition of the music video is taken in to consideration, which is even less serious then the original. Highlights of this version include Stewart Copeland goading on Sting to strip in the snow, various people dressed in Santa costumes skiing, and Andy Summers being the only person who appears to be having any fun (not to mention the final shot of the video, where Sting looks like he’s trying to chloroform his bandmate while eyeing suggestively at the camera). The tone of the song makes this one of the most unsettling Christmas music videos known to man. 

To further complicate matters, in 1986, The Police released a re-recorded version of “Don’t Stand”, complete with new video directed by Godley & Creme, former 10cc members turned music video producers, to go along with it. It is primarily composed of animated computer graphics which were surely impressive at the time of release, but now just come across as cluttered absurdity that completely distracts from the lyrics, also pushing the prime focus onto Sting, foreshadowing what the band’s legacy would become in future years. 

Even if The Police felt themselves to be capable of making serious music videos and handling their darker subjects with at least a hint more decorum, a version depicting “Don’t Stand” more responsibly and with due regard just isn’t possible. No one wants to turn on the television to see a fictionalized version of a very real scenario of sexual abuse being enacted upon a child, and no band in their right mind would want to depict that in their videos in the first place. 

This begs the question, “why bother making the video at all?” The answer to that is, simply, self-promotion. Once the MTV age hit the ground running in August of 1981, bands had a whole new medium they had to compete with eachother in, and if they refused to conform to that standard, then they might as well just kiss their careers goodbye. But even before MTV rolled around, British musicians and singers had already long been experimenting with the video format, which especially came in handy when you couldn’t be bothered to appear on Top of the Pops in person and also explains the existence of the two original videos before the advent of the new-fangled program. 

Instead of following through with any of the three videos described, I think it probably would have held up better if the band had instead just recorded faux live footage of them performing the song and let that serve as the music video, like what Bon Jovi and Cheap Trick used to do with cuts off of Slippery When Wet and Dream Police, respectively. 

So how exactly do two bands take the same idea and end up diverging so dramatically from each other’s conclusions? The primary reason is audience. 

The kind of respectable young men who might enjoy Van Halen

Van Halen had long been cultivating an audience that would be a thousand percent receptive to a song like “Hot for Teacher” upon its release: the kind of rowdy, rough and tumble, mildly misogynistic young men who could fool around in a parking lot, yelling and screaming and drinking, shirtless and in blue jeans for hours on end before a concert, like those featured in Heavy Metal Parking Lot. The kind who’d swill acid and Budweiser indiscriminately and long to purge their veins of all the pent up energy trapped inside of them. The exact kind of young men who’s behavior and attitudes have made people wary of metalheads for decades. 

On the other side of the fence, you have The Police. Enigmatic reggae-rockers with profoundly pretentious, synthetically persipacious lyrics. I’ve never even managed to come across someone who actually listens to The Police–everybody knows their hit songs, sure–"Roxanne", "Every Breath You Take", "Message In A Bottle"–and most people of a certain age have probably listened to Synchronicity it its entirety at least once, but nobody seems to actually enjoy them, to want to explore their discography beyond the limited reaches of what is played on the radio, to have their favorite tune be something like “Mother” or “Shadows In The Rain” instead of, say, “King of Pain”. 

I can only assume that The Police’s fanbase contains more variation then that of Van Halen’s, despite their rather alienating image. At least, that would explain why my mother owns a copy of Synchronicity when she was usually more interested in listening to U2 or Prince. 

But I digress: the audience of Van Halen would not expect them to handle a topic with lyrical sensibility, just the same as The Police’s audience wouldn’t expect them to dip their toes into the debauchery of their contemporaries. Van Halen have never been one’s for truth, instead opting for cheap highs and good fantasies, while the opposite can be said of the ever-cerebral Police. 

But at the end of the day, and regardless of audience expectations, neither of these interpretations of a teacher/student relationship were created to function as some grand attempt at social commentary on the issue. Both of these groups were just writing about whatever the hell it was that struck their fancy that day, and some of them handled it more conscientiously than others.